


Thrill Me

by Kereea



Series: Perry the Evil-Adjacent Boyfriend [2]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Comedy, Human Perry the Platypus (Phineas and Ferb), M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-09-19 12:26:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17001648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kereea/pseuds/Kereea
Summary: The boys build a giant roller coaster, but OWCA mistakes it for a scheme of Heinz’s and hilarity ensues.





	Thrill Me

 Peter knocked on the apartment door, the way things usually started if they didn’t have any real intel as to what Doof was up to. He blinked as a damp Heinz opened the door, scowling.

 “Peter the Panda can you come back later? We’re fixing the shower—and _not_ upgrading it!” Heinz called into the apartment. “So, anyway, the inator’s not really finished, I mean, you can take apart what’s there if it does something for you, but there’s nothing ready right now.”

 Peter sighed, following Heinz in…and getting trapped in a cage as he passed the coffee table.

 “I’m sorry, but apartment bathroom repairs can be _so_ delicate and I’m already fending off two innovative eleven-year-olds,” Heinz said as he walked off. “Ferb, you put down that wrench young man! Don’t think I don’t know you’re trying to upgrade the water pressure! I’d like that too, but it goes against the HOA!”

 Peter shook his head, looking around for something to upend the cage.

 “Oh, hey, Dr. D, can we at least improve the shower head? People swap those out all the time!”

 “…Yeah okay, okay, that sounds—Ferb. Wrench. Down. Now.”

 “Ferb, don’t worry, we can improve the head to work better with the current water pressure!”

 “Great, you do that! I’ll just, ack—ppfft!”

  Peter chuckled at the sound of Heinz getting soaked.

 Phineas and Ferb came out with the shower head. Phineas waved, “Hey Peter! Mind if we work on the table by you?”

 Peter nodded. With any luck, the boys might push a tool too close and he could use it as a lever.

 “We should add a hose. Showerheads on hoses are great,” Ferb said as he spread out a cloth on top of the coffee table.

 “Oh, yeah, good idea! Maybe one fixed head and one on a hose? I think I’ve seen some of those at the hardware store recently…” Phineas mused. “Maybe mood lights? Some have mood lights.”

 Ferb waggled his hand.

 “Yeah, yeah maybe that’s a bit much,” Phineas said. “Like, what do you _mood light_ in a shower, anyway? The shampooing cycle?”

 “Oh, hey Peter the Panda.”

 Peter looked over. Candace. Hmm. She was harder to sneak around than the boys.

 “Hey, Candace, we’re improving the shower head! Want mood lighting? Ferb’s kind of eh on it, but I’m on the fence,” Phineas said.

 “Shower lighting in that bathroom’s fine, so nah,” Candace said. “Maybe add different settings? Mine and Vanessa’s has three settings or something.”

 “Oh yeah, settings!” Phineas said as Candace turned on the TV and a video game.

  Peter watched the table carefully. Some of the boys’ tools looked long and sturdy enough, but so far none were within easy reach.

 “So, Peter, any plans for the summer besides thwarting Dr. D?” Phineas asked.

 Peter shrugged. OWCA wasn’t known for its vacation days.

 “Huh. Well, Ferb and I have big plans! Okay, done. Dr. D, we’re done!” Phineas called, running into the bathroom with the new showerhead in his hands and Ferb on his heels.

 Peter went to grab the wrench, only for Candace to jerk it out of reach, “Nerp.”

 Peter glared at her. She shrugged.

 “Tomorrow’s the last day of school and so _this_ is my last afternoon of relaxation. You don’t get to ruin it,” Candace said. “Want to play?”

 Peter sighed. The controller was plastic and would never survive being uses to flip the trap…but if he was going to be stuck here, might as well. He signed that Candace was going down.

 “Oh, that’s what you think!”

.o.o.o.

 “So Heinz Doofenshmirtz was thwarted by…his own plumbing?” Monogram asked.

 Peter nodded. Heinz hadn’t gotten out of the pipes until dinner time, and by then was too tired for any evil scheming. Perry had helped Peter out of the cage and showed him the door. He’d broken back in through the roof at night to check for inators—none, though Perry had almost hit him with a desk chair for the new roof hole, and for waking everyone up when he’d tripped over some wires in the dark and crashed into a console.

 “That’s a new one,” Mystery muttered, nursing his coffee.

 Peter signed that he wasn’t going to be able to sleep with all the caffeine he drank. Mystery flipped him off. The usual.

.o.o.o.

 Today was Kindegardinator—would make the mayor and his staff act like rowdy kindergarteners.

 Mystery had stayed behind again, pleading a lack of sleep. Peter had texted an “I told you so” before going in. Heinz was still tired from yesterday, so Perry had done most of the legwork in trying to prevent Peter from thwarting them so far.

 “We’re home!”

 Peter startled at Phineas’ voice, which Perry used to trip him.

 “Ha! It seems Peter forgot the last day of school is a _half day_!” Heinz mocked.  “Now, let’s send Roger and his _cronies_ back to school! For good!”

 Peter threw Perry off and unplugged the Kindegardinator.

 “One of these days I’m going to hide the cord—whoa!” Heinz yelped as Peter shoved Perry into him, both of them hitting the Kindegardinator and knocking it over.

 Phineas and Ferb peeked out onto the balcony, Phineas asking, “Are you guys done? Oh, nope. We’ll wait.”

 They shut the door as Heinz, Perry, and Peter dove for cover from the exploding Kindegardinator.

 Peter signed to ask if Heinz _meant_ for them all to blow up so easily.

 “Oh, shut up Peter the Panda. Prevents them from falling into the right hands,” Heinz scoffed.

 “Are you done yet?” Phineas called through the door.

 “Patience, kiddo!” Heinz called back.

 Perry signed that he was pretty sure they were done.

 “Yeah, but that kid needs to learn to take a deep breath sometimes,” Heinz said.

 Peter asked if they’d be doing the same thing tomorrow.

 “Yeah, no, probably taking the day off tomorrow. Kids’ first day of summer and all. You and Mysterio have fun, find something else to do, maybe thwart him a little? I think he’d like it!” Heinz said. “Oh, and _curse you, Peter the Panda!_ ”

 “Dr. D, I think his name is Mystery!” Phineas called.

 “Oh. Right. Curse _Mystery_ for his name then!”

.o.o.o.

“FIRST DAY OF _SUMMER_!”

 Heinz groaned at the loud yell at six a.m. “You warned me. You warned me, and I still wasn’t ready.”

 Perry shrugged. He was used to Phineas’ love of summer. The kid had been doing this as long as they’d known each other, and he’d been handling it solo for six years now.

 Heinz pulled his pillow over his head, “You might want to go save him. Vanessa’s ‘you woke me up too early’ wrath can get ugly. She got Charlene in the face with a suspiciously firm stuffed bunny when she was five.”

 Sure enough, Perry heard someone storming down the hall. Oh boy. He quickly got out of bed, pulled on a shirt, and hurried to the boys room…to find Phineas and Vanessa engaged in a war with half-made forts and stuffed animals while Ferb filmed them.

 “If I win, no loud wakeups for a month!” Vanessa yelled, hurling a teddy bear at Phineas’ head.

 “If you lose, you have to let us make a recording for your alarm clock!” Phineas replied.

 “Never!” Vanessa said, nailing him with…Candace’s Ducky Momo?

 Perry loudly clapped his hands to get their attention.

 “Morning Uncle Perry,” Ferb said, turning the camera to him.

 Perry pointed at Vanessa and gestured for her to please leave the boys alone. He then signed for Phineas to make Vanessa some noise-proof headphones if this was going to be a normal thing.

 “Sorry, Uncle Perry,” Phineas said. “Did we wake you up?”

 Perry noted that they always did before turning to go and get breakfast started.

 After a little while, Candace and Heinz managed to drag themselves to the table as well.

 “So, what are you two planning for this morning that started so loudly?” Heinz asked as he dumped extra sugar in his coffee.

 “Oh, we’ve got a ton of ideas! We’re going to help the Fireside Girls with their engineering patches!” Phineas said. “Got just the blueprints!”

 “Okay, seriously, how do they not have that patch already? Isabella’s known you two since Pre-K,” Candace said.

 “Well, Mrs. Garcia-Shapiro’s picking you up at…” Heinz paused and checked the wall calendar, “eight so you’ve got a few hours to fine-tune your plans and clean your room first.”

 “If we keep our room clean all summer can we have a pet?” Phineas asked.

 “I don’t think all the explosions would be good for a pet,” Vanessa said. “Maybe just do that thing at the zoo where you can adopt an animal.”

 “Oh, yeah. Like how Uncle Perry’s adopted all the platypi. Platypuses? Whatever,” Phineas mused. “Ferb, you ready?”

 Ferb shook his head, still drinking his tea.

 “Okay,” Phineas said, swinging his legs back and forth a bit.

 Perry chuckled. Heinz had been right about Phineas maybe needing a little more patience.

 Ferb finished his tea and gave a thumbs-up. Phineas quickly grabbed him by the hand and dragged him back to their room.

 “So, girls, what are you doing today?” Heinz asked.

 Candace grinned, “Planning the next few weeks with Stacy. We have to figure out when we can do the mall, and Mr. Slushie Dog, and the movies, and just hanging, and busting my brothers-”

 “Eh. Just chilling,” Vanessa said as Candace kept listing her plans. “We’ll see where it goes.”

.o.o.o.

 “You want to order delivery for lunch?” Heinz asked Perry. “I don’t really feel like making anything and we’re kind of low on leftovers.”

 Perry signed that he could go for delivery.

 “Sweet, let me ask the girls. Candace, Vanessa, delivery for lunch?” Heinz called.

 “Sounds good,” Candace said before going back to her phone, “Yeah, we’re ordering lunch in. I don’t know from where yet. So how’s your Sunday looking?”

 “Sounds good to me too,” Vanessa said.

 “Does the Deli down the street have a line? They take too long if there’s a line,” Heinz said.

 “I’ll go look,” Vanessa volunteered, heading to the window. “Whoa.”

 “Line?” Heinz asked.

 Vanessa shook her head. “Uh, guys. I think I know what Phineas and Ferb are doing.”

 “Did they text you?” Candace asked. “They didn’t text _me_!”

 “Nope,” Vanessa said, gesturing out the window. Everyone else hurried over.

 A massive amount of roller coaster track wound its way down the street, looping before it disappeared around the corner. More track could be see above some of the lower buildings on surrounding streets.

 Perry shook his head, signing at Heinz that this was why they shouldn’t leave the boys alone with tools for over an hour.

 Candace took one look at the coaster, shrieked, and fainted. Vanessa took a photo of the coaster with her phone.

 “Oh…wow. That’s…something,” Heinz said. “We’d, ah, better get over to the Garcia-Shapiros, then? I’ll get the hover-scooter.”

 Candace was woken and ranted the entire ride over, detailing how crazy and dangerous the coaster looked.

 “And I cannot _believe_ they thought this was-”

 “Candace, breathe,” Vanessa said.                                                                               

 “I’m sorry, Vanessa, do you not see the _giant roller coaster_?”

 “It looks kind of sweet, actually.”

 “No, it looks _dangerous_!”

 Vanessa smirked, “Same thing.”

 “Girls, no fighting while I’m driving please!” Heinz called as they landed at the Garcia-Shapiro house.

 “But the boys!” Candace whined.

 “We know sweetie. We see,” Heinz assured her. “We’re going to talk to them.”

 “Okay…” Candace sighed as the boys saw them and started to come over. “I can’t believe it reaches downtown. Seriously how big did you build…this…thing…” Candace said, staring wide-eyed at the coaster before fainting again. Perry and Vanessa caught her.

 “Oh. Fear of heights kicked in?” Phineas asked as he and Ferb reached the scooter.

 Perry nodded.

 “I’ve got an idea,” Vanessa said, whispering the rest to Perry. Perry grinned and they went over to Jeremy Johnson.

 “Hey, Jeremy!” Vanessa said. “Candace got a little freaked by the coaster, fear of heights and all, can you keep an eye on her while we make sure Phineas and Ferb have got this covered?”

 “Oh, sure,” Jeremy said as Perry passed him the passed-out Candace. “I’ll see if there’s a chair around here or something.”

 Perry gave a thumbs-up as Jeremy started looking for a chair.

 “He’s nice,” Vanessa said.

 Perry signed that Candace had good taste in boys as they went back over to Heinz, Phineas, and Ferb.

 “And you won’t be sued?” Heinz checked.

 “Oh, don’t worry, we have informed consent forms,” Phineas said. “We tested it with crash test dummies designed to be affected by G-forces!”

 “Of course you did,” Heinz muttered. “Well, uh…should we go with them?”

 Perry nodded. At the very least, there’d be adults around if something went wrong…and the coaster looked pretty cool.

 “Okay, we’re in…as soon as I look over these forms,” Heinz said.

.o.o.o.

 “I thought Doof was supposed to be _off_ today!” Mystery whined as Peter dragged him to the lair. Blindfolded, of course.

 He felt Peter shrug before the blindfold was removed and they faced a screen with a stressed Monogram on it.

 “Have you seen that monstrosity?” Monogram demanded.

 “I haven’t seen anything between my pillow and a blindfold,” Mystery muttered. “You’re lucky I fell asleep in my clothes!”

 Peter rolled his eyes. Mystery needed to stop pulling plotting-all-nighters.

 “Carl!” Monogram called, and an image popped up on the screen showing a satellite view of Danville.

 With a huge roller coaster winding through it.

 “Oh. Oh wow,” Mystery said as Peter looked stunned.

 “And that’s not all!” Monogram said, showing a backyard, where Doofenshmirtz and Fletcher were going over paperwork.

 “…Doof…built a giant rollercoaster? _What_?” Mystery asked, arms flailing. “I’m getting worried this guy’s more of an enigma than _me_!”

 Peter signed that if it was any consolation, he didn’t think Heinz was trying to be mysterious.

 “I don’t care if he’s mysterious or not, I care that there’s tons of kids getting on that coaster! What if he holds them all hostage?” Monogram asked.

 “That doesn’t sound like him, sir,” Carl said. “I’m not saying it’s not a concern, but Doof usually doesn’t go after kids.”

 “True, but we can’t take any chances,” Monogram said. “Gentlemen, get on it!”

 “So…go after a roller coaster?” Mystery asked.

 Peter adjusted his fedora and grinned.

.o.o.o.

 “All right, everyone, buckle your seatbelts and harnesses!” Phineas said as everyone climbed into the coaster. “This is going to be great!”

 “How high did they build this…oh, schnitzel,” Heinz muttered as he looked at the first hill. “Well. Brought this on myself, I suppose.”

 Perry signed at him with a smirk.

 “What do you mean this had better not become a _backstory_ , you-”

 “Quiet midway down, please! Still giving instructions!” Phineas called into his bullhorn.

 Perry laughed at Heinz. Heinz sulked.

.o.o.o.

 “Ugh…what happened?” Candace groaned.

 “You fainted when you looked at the coaster,” Jeremy said, helping steady her. “Vanessa and your uncle told me you and heights aren’t exactly…pals.”

 “Not my favorite thing…oh, Jeremy, don’t you want to ride?” Candace asked.

 “It’s cool. We can just hang here,” Jeremy said.

 “Oh, but that’s not fair to you—I could watch Suzie for you and you can get the next one?” Candace offered.

 “That’s a great idea! This thing’s way too wild for Suzie,” Jeremy agreed as Suzie and her poodle came over from the bushes. “Suzie, Candace is going to keep an eye on you so I can take the next ride. That okay?”

 “Okie-dokie!” Suzie giggled before glaring at Candace when Jeremy looked back at the coaster. Candace gave her a weak shrug. Not like she’d asked Uncle Perry to pass her off to Jeremy when his sister was around to be sinister.

 “Hey, what’s that?” Jeremy asked. “Is…is that two guys with jetpacks?”

 “Wait a minute…” Candace said, pulling out her purse and retrieving her binoculars. “Oh no! Peter the Panda and Professor Mystery!”

 “…Huh?” Jeremy and Suzie asked.

 “They’re, like, work rivals of Uncle Perry and Dr. D…oh _no_!” Candace said. “They must think Dr. D built the coaster and not my brothers! They’re going to try to thwart it!”

 “How do you… _thwart_ a roller coaster?” Jeremy asked.

 “ _I don’t know_!” Candace screamed. “We’ve got to stop them!”

 “But they’re _way, way_ up there!” Suzie pointed out.

 Candace’s knees buckled. Right. Way, way up in the sky…her eyes landed on the hover scooter.

 “Nobody busts my brothers but me!” she declared, running over to it and turning it on. “Uh…you’d better keep Suzie here with you. On the ground. She’s only three.”

 “Good luck! Want me to call your uncle?” Jeremy asked.

 “Good idea-ah-ah-ah!” Candace screamed as the scooter launched into the air.

 “Candace sure can scream,” Suzie said, hiding a grin.

 “Yep,” Jeremy agreed.

.o.o.o.

 “How tall did they build this thing?” Mystery whined as they kept ascending. “And why?”

 Peter sighed. He’d normally use sign or his notepad to explain the importance of a coaster’s first hill, but he needed both hands to control his jetpack at the moment.

.o.o.o.

 Perry’s phone buzzed.

 “Uh…you going to get that?” Heinz asked.

 Perry pulled it out, a text from Jeremy? Was Candace all-

 He almost lost his grip on the phone as the coaster finally peaked the hill and began its descent.

 “I got it, I got it!” Heinz said, steadying the phone. “Candace…said…look out for Peter the Panda and Professor Mystery? But we took today off!”

 Perry’s eyes widened and he smacked the side of the car.

 “Yes, yes, Perry, we _are_ on a roller coaster—oh. Oh! They think this is _my_ roller coaster, you think?”

 Perry buried his face in his hands.

 “Oh yeah. Not good. We’ve got to keep the kids safe!” Heinz said. “And let the boys finish their ride!”

 “We’re going into the spin cycle!” Phineas called from up front.

 “Oh, schnitzel!” Heinz yelped, grabbing onto Perry as the coaster corkscrewed wildly. “Where did the boys get the idea for—oh come on, waterfall? This isn’t a log flume!”

The ride suddenly buckled.

 “Hey! Hey, you need to get in your seat!” Phineas called. “Wait? Professor Mystery?”

 “Believe me I wish I was sitting!” the evil scientist screamed as he dropped to his knees to cling to the bar from the car behind him. “I—oof!”

 “Candace!” Heinz yelped as Candace rammed the hoverboard into Mystery, dislodging him from the coaster.

 “Back off from my brothers’ coaster!” she yelled.

 “Candace, be careful!” Phineas called. “Uh, everyone please remain calm…Vanessa don’t throw Peter the Panda off! We’re above the zoo! He might disturb the animals if he lands in their habitats!”

 “Then the lions can eat his panda butt!” Vanessa said, trying to push Peter’s foot to make him stumble.

 Peter flipped her off.

 “Don’t you make that gesture at my baby girl!” Heinz yelled, furiously trying to undo his seatbelts. Perry beat him to it, climbing out of the car.

 “Kids, do _not_ imitate my Uncle Perry! He’s a trained professional!” Phineas said. “Oh, here’s the chocolate dip!”

 Perry lunged for Peter, knocking him off the coaster…and onto the hover scooter as Candace caught them. He gave Candace a thumbs up as the coaster plunged into the chocolate.

 “So…by your _brothers’_ coaster…?” Mystery asked, still clinging to the front of the scooter as if his life depended on it.  

 “They built it,” Candace said.

 “Impressive!” Mystery said. “Um. Can we land now?”

  “How’s the coaster?” Candace asked. “Okay, past the chocolate dip…is that a _second waterfall_?”

 “So impressive!” Mystery gushed as the coaster took the plunge. “Um…guess we…don’t have anything to thwart, then?”

 Perry climbed off Peter, giving the agent an annoyed shove as he stood. Peter scowled at him.

 “Uncle Perry, can you take the controls? I think I need to go back to freaking out now,” Candace said.

 Perry nodded, stepping forward. As soon as he took the controls, Candace latched onto him like a panicked lemur. He patted her on the head.

 “Both hands on the steering!” Candace insisted as Perry took them back to the Garcia-Shapiro’s yard.

.o.o.o.

 “That was awesome!” Phineas cheered as the coaster rolled to a stop. “What did you think everyone?”

 The kids on the coaster cheered. Ferb gave a thumbs-up.

 “All right!” Phineas said. “Well, let’s see who wants to ride next! Oh, and talk to Peter and Professor Mystery…”

 “Yeah, let’s have a little chat about messing with _kid’s inventions_ ,” Heinz muttered as they joined Perry, Candace, and the failed-thwarters on the lawn.

 Perry signed that it was fine, Candace had busted Peter and Mystery from thwarting and Mystery had accepted it. Peter mostly just wanted to know about cleanup and who’d be cursing them today.

 “Honestly, I’m on team Peter for that one thing, how do we clean this up?” Candace asked before ducking a croquet ball Suzie seemed to have accidentally aimed at her head.

 “Careful, Suzie!” Jeremy called from the coaster line.

 “Oh, shoot,” Phineas muttered as Ferb started directing the next batch of kids to the coaster. “I knew we forgot something…cleanup…cleanup…”

 “Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered there. Just come back to the lair when you’re done. And you two!” Heinz said, turning on Peter and Mystery. “After all this you’re going to go tell _Monobrow_ to do a better job at figuring out what’s our stuff and what’s stuff the boys make! Seriously, they did stuff like this last summer too, how’d they miss that? And _another_ thing-”

.o.o.o.

 “So, what’s the big plan for cleaning up the coaster, Dr. D?” Phineas asked as Heinz herded everyone out to the balcony.

 “Easy! My Shrinkinator!” Heinz said. “Yeah, it’s a good thing this just gets left out here and I’ve never dismantled it. All right, shrink…roller…coaster…and go!”

 The Shrinkinator fired a beam at the roller coaster, reducing it in size and bringing it up to sit on the balcony thanks to a tractor function. The coaster was easily reduced to the size of a toy.

 “It’ll fit in our room now! Sweet!” Phineas said, hugging Heinz around the knees.

 Perry signed that they’d need to put a mat under it, due to the waterfalls and chocolate dip. And maybe replace the chocolate dip with something that wouldn’t attract bugs.

 “Yeah, this thing has surprisingly non-evil applications. Weird. You’d think a shrink ray would stay pretty evil but what do you do?” Heinz asked as he patted the Shrinkinator.

 “Well…if it’s not evil I guess we…don’t have to thwart it?” Mystery asked Peter. Peter gave a thumbs-up.

 “Yeah, Sergei never really got rid of it either. Though he did smash my face into the on button a few times…” Heinz mused. “Anyway, you’re done, get lost, today’s over! But _tomorrow_ , tomorrow you shall face the wrath of Dr. Heinz Doofenshimrtz! And not whatever the boys build, seriously, leave that _alone_. They’re just kids, for crying out loud.”

 “Hey!” Phineas said, looking offended.

 “Dad’s trying to stop them from thwarting your inventions, that’s a good thing,” Vanessa reminded him.

 “Oh, right,” Phineas said. “Um, yeah. Please don’t thwart us anymore.”

 Peter grinned and gave Phineas a thumbs-up.

 “We’ll make sure OWCA knows the whole ‘kids inventing giant but non-evil things’…thing,” Mystery agreed. “Can’t say they’ll believe us, but we can try.”

 Perry asked if he needed to have a _word_ with Major Monogram.

 “…I’d pay money to see it, but probably not,” Mystery admitted.

 “Well, we’re done for the day, so get ready to face wrath tomorrow. Later!” Heinz said as the family headed back inside, Phineas and Ferb carrying their newly-shrunken coaster.

 “This is going to be a long summer, isn’t it?” Mystery asked Peter.

 Peter chuckled weakly. He had a feeling that was an understatement.

**Author's Note:**

> Peter and Mystery have now learned: thwart Phineas and Ferb and face Candace and Perry's wrath. And presumably Heinz's at a later date. 
> 
> OWCA is more suspicious of Phineas and Ferb in this universe, but they haven't outright classed the boys as evil due to the fact that, well, the boys are clearly not evil. 
> 
> Candace has already met Suzy in-universe before this fic and is kind of moderately resigned to Suzy being Suzy at the moment.


End file.
